Cycle 13 and The Crossroads

Well, cycle 13 seems to be here. I really thought I was pregnant. I had severe breast tenderness, sudden overwhelming nausea, my temps were up....I was going to get a pregnancy test Friday (15th), but on Wednesday, I started spotting. Forget the test. I figured it could, maybe, might be implantation. But then there were some clots. Yuck, I know. TMI. But, I figured I was out for the cycle at that point. AF has been teasing me for days with her impending appearance. I spot, then I don't. What gives? I'm guessing it may be the beginnings of menopause. Crap. I am SO not ready for that! I hate having to wear pads, when there's really nothing going on, but, if I don't wear one then AF would blast me for sure and it wouldn't be pretty. Thank goodness I'm a stay-at-home Mama. I can remedy those problems without too much ado. But, still. What woman wants to get caught without her under armor on? Not, I, Popeye!

So, I have come to a crossroads. My husband will be thrilled. If, I tell him. I may not. Just because I might change my mind. Maybe. I have decided to get rid of 90% of the baby stuff. I have two cribs out in the shop. Two porta-cribs, a high chair, exersaucer, swing, infant seat, car seat, bouncy seat, various baby toys, tons of clothes, three ginormous boxes of Pampers diapers from the baby shower (he's three and potty trained now), and I'm sure there's more, but I just can't think of it off the top of my head. But, it goes to say, I have a lot of stuff out there, and it's taking up precious real estate. I'm debating on having a yard sale (ugh. i hate doing yard sales.), or consigning it. Not sure which way I want to go. The nearby Jack & Jill consignment isn't for a couple of months...I'll have to think about it. In the mean time, I'll be going through all of it and setting it aside.

Side note..my very best friend laughed at me when I told her I had come to this decision...as I'm sure those of you who are reading this have already thought it...She said, and I quote.."If you get rid of it all, then you'll just have to buy it again. You know that's how it works. You get rid of it, and then you get pregnant."

Murphy, I like that law.

May 10th...A Day of Remembrance

This post is a couple of days late. I just couldn't do it Thursday. I really had a hard time of it. I'm pretty sure my husband and kids think I'm losing my mind. They of course, didn't remember the significance of the day. That is only internalized by me. I'm the only one who actually remembers the date. The day I lost my last baby. The baby who is buried under the tree by her brother, Matthew. Paislee. I'm the only one who knows her name. The only one who calls her by name.

When I delivered her last year, I delivered her at home. I saved the afterbirth, in case the doctor needed to see it for any reason. It stayed in the spare freezer for a year. I was always going to bury it. I couldn't bring myself to just flush it or throw it away. So, on the 1 year anniversary of Paislee's delivery, I buried it above her grave. It is finally over. The pain won't ever go away. But the whole burial process is finally over.

I spent the afternoon pulling the weeds that had invaded the flower bed around the memorial tree, There are no flowers to speak of yet. I need to pick out some flowers to plant. I planned on planting the birth month flowers (when they were all due), and maybe even planting flowers for my living children there as well. Instead of just reminding me of the children who have died to soon, it will be a place of my heart. My children, living and gone, are my heart. <3

How do you spend the anniversary of your lost one(s)?

It's ME time...

I decided that if my months are just going to keep running together, without a pregnancy to change things up...I might as well get back to making some health changes. I did this program once before. I lost 35 pounds. Then I got pregnant, gained 15 pounds, lost the baby, gained 20 more (depression) pounds..and, well, you get it. I feel miserable. I can't breathe. My feet are killing me. My clothes don't fit. I'm tired of not being able to shop for cute clothes. I'm not looking forward to several months of hot weather at this weight. I've had enough. I have to do it this time. I have to lose it all. I am currently at 173 pounds (we ate out twice yesterday!). My goal is to lose 50 pounds this time. If you would like to join me on my quest for better health go to this site:
http://tnpowerloser.com/

Wish me luck! 
or better yet, wish that I can have some serious will power!!
 My kids like junk food! They get it from me!

April 26th, 2011

April 26th.

Forever burned into my brain.

The day I found out my baby had died.

Another loss.

Three in a row.

Why?

I will never know.

I had been in four weeks prior.

I had heard the heartbeat.

But, I had known.

Something was wrong.

I just knew it.

My son had driven me to the Dr.s appointment.

I knew. I knew it was going to end bad.

I checked in and waited to go back.

The nurse came and got me. She sent me straight in for a urine sample.

While I was in there I got the first sign of the impending nightmare.

Pink spotting.

I went back to the nurse's station and she took all my stats. I didn't mention the spotting. 

I didn't want to acknowledge it. 

Then I was ushered back to the exam room.

The Dr. came in with a smile.

I tried to smile, but I was fighting the tears. 

I was scared to death.

He chatted for a few minutes about my symptoms.

I never mentioned the spotting.

Then he got out the doppler.

The nightmare became real.

He couldn't find the heartbeat.

I was sent to another office in the building for an ultrasound. 

The receptionist at my Dr.s office walked me down to the other office. 

Not standard procedure.

But I was an emotional train wreck at this point. 

I tried so hard to hold it together when we checked in in the ultrasound office.

But I was failing miserably.

I was reminded of a time I sat in the waiting room at my Maternal Fetal Group's office.

A mother came out the hall door, into the waiting room in tears.

Not just the silent kind, that just roll down your cheeks, 

but, the kind that are accompanied by sobs.

The poor woman then had to stand there in the room and wait for the elevator to arrive.

Every other mother had to try and hide their evident panic for this woman, 

and their selves.

If it could happen to her, it could happen to us.

I will forever wonder if everything turned out okay for her and her unborn child.

  

My nurse checked me in, and the ushered me into the back immediately.

I went into a darkened room, and the technician started the ultrasound.

No heartbeat.

I could see the baby.

Perfect fetal position.

But, no heartbeat.

My baby had died. 

My baby had died at 12 weeks.

The same week we heard the heartbeat.

Four weeks ago, my baby had died.

I went back down to the Dr.s office.

We sat in his office and he went over the next steps with me.

He knew from my previous m/c that I would probably want to have it at home.

I did.

He let me know that if I needed anything to call the office.

thanks

Gave me all the prerequisite warnings.

I could hemorrhage, etc.

okay

I left the office and went out to the parking lot where my son was waiting in the car.

(19 and not interested in sitting in a room with a bunch of pregnant women)

I called my husband and told him the news.

Here we go again.

I finally passed the baby 14 days later. 

My baby had already been gone for 6 weeks.

It didn't make it any easier to have this knowledge.

It didn't make it any easier to bury my baby in a makeshift casket.

Under the tree.

Next to her brother.

It never gets any easier.

Loss sucks.

Sucked into the Black Hole

The Twilight Zone episode has ended.

I have now been sucked into the big, black hole of depression.

Not the kind where you crawl under the covers, and stay there.

Not the kind where you unplug the phone, and lock your doors.

Not the kind you need to take meds for.

Just the kind that nags at you, and keeps you just slightly sad, at all times.

AF has finally decided to stay for the monthly visit. Ugh. 

All I can say about that is that I hope it's a short stay, like last month. 

Three days.

But, this cycle has started early. Not super early, but early by two days.

It's these little inconsistencies that worry me.

Am I beginning to head into menopause?

oy.

SOOOO not ready for that. 

Not unless there is one more successful pregnancy.

Then, bring.it.on.

But, for now, I hope and pray every month, that this will be the month.

Twilight....Zone

So yesterday I had some ewcm out of nowhere. I was 7 dpo. Why the ewcm? Then there was cramping involved. Temps were 98.0, three days running. Then this morning (dpo 8), more cramping. More painful. Temp...97.9....?! and THEN...more ewcm, but it was pink. What in the world?! Can I dare to hope that this is  implantation cramping and that the pink cm is actually implantation spotting?

Oh how I HATE the two week wait! Every cramp, twinge or otherwise strange symptom just pushes me further into the Twilight Zone of What-if's.....

Trying to WIN again!!

Another OvaCue giveaway!!

My sweet friend Jenn is having a giveaway on her awesome blog!

Check it out here!

If you've never heard of OvaCue..check out Jenn's site and read up on it. It's gotta be the most awesome device they have come up with yet for those TTC! It tracks everything! 

I can't afford to buy one at this time, and probably never will be able to. So, I will enter every giveaway I can to try and win one!! If you are in the same boat, go see Jenn and enter to win one for yourself!

Not quite, she said....

So, I THOUGHT that Monday was my start date. Not quite. Apparently, Auntie F had her own ideas.

I actually just spotted for a couple of days. My true start date was Wednesday. 

For REALsies!

No mistaking it.

UGH

But, at least I can move on through the cycle now.

So, as of today, I am on cycle day 8. Yay Me!!

I took an opk this morning. Of course it was negative. 

I will NOT be wasting any more of those until Monday. 

I will continue to use the Ovulation Scope though. I LOVE that thing! I can use it several times a day and not be wasting it! It is completely re-usable! Best $20 something I ever spent on trying to have a baby!!

Cycle #11

It's official. I have started cycle #11. Yay for me. 

What am I going to do different this month?

Nothing, really. 

I will start temping after Auntie Flo decides to leave.

I will start taking the soy isoflavones on cd 3 or 4, for 5 days.

I will use the opk's and the ovulation scope.

I will take Mucinex on the first day of ferning/+ opk.

I think that's it for me. 

I will also take my baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins.

Bring on the baby dust and the BFP!!!

Cycle #10..TWW...still waiting.

I'm 6 days away from cycle #11. Yesterday, I let my hopes get the best of me. I tested. It was 7 days before my next cycle date. Too early. But, I did it anyway. I used a FRER. Can you guess what my answer was?

Big.Fat.Negative.

Yep. Exactly what I expected. But, I was still hoping that maybe, just maybe, it would be a squinter.

 A ghost line. 

But, it was negative as always.

According to the package instructions and claims, I could test today. Day 6, before my cycle date. But, I think I'll just wait. Pretty sure I'm not pregnant. So, why rush the inevitable. I always hope that I'm wrong. There's always a chance that I'm wrong. I'll test on Saturday. That would put me at the day before my cycle starts. 

Wish me luck!

Cycle #10..TWW

It's official. I am in the two week wait. 

Monday's opk (cd14)

Tuesday's opk (cd15)

I decided to try and temp this cycle. Here are my temps so far...

cd11: 97.9

cd12: 97.7

cd13: no temp

cd14: 97.5

cd15: 97.6

cd16: 97.9

cd17/dpo1: 98.3

As of cd 14, I had a very positive opk, and a nice fern effect on the ovulation scope. I wish I could get a picture of that. I tried but it's REALLY hard.

 

Here's what my scope looks like. 

I bought mine at Walmart 7 years ago for maybe $20. They no longer sell anything like this =(  Dumb if you ask me.

I can't find this exact one anywhere for sale, but there are several different brands, and they all do the same exact thing, magnify your dried spit.

 I think the Fertile Focus is definitely the prettiest one out there right now! 

Scopes are definitely my favorite ovulation predictors. Not too messy, and totally reusable! Go green! No chemicals involved!

LOVE it! Just wish mine was prettier, like the Fertile Focus :) If they would like to send me one to try, I would give them lots and lots of praise on my lil ole blog! And of course tell all my friends! Who would probably tell their friends....:)

 

Here are what the results will look like:

 Cd15 was an even better opk line, and the fern was perfect. My temps were slowly rising. I fully expected that they would start to rise significantly  this morning. They did! I hope they continue to rise a bit, and then stay at the higher temp. That would indicate a pregnancy!

I am not expecting a pregnancy. But,I am still hoping. My hopes have been dashed, month after month. But, I just can't give up the hope that it will happen. I'm hoping to win the Ovacue from LLAOTWM! If this cycle ends, and starts a new one, that could really come in handy! I'm also considering starting fertility herbs. Not sure where to start with that though, so I'm asking special friends to help me out on that front. 

Thanks Girls! You know who you are!! =)

Once again...Here's to hope and faith!

Poem for Loss Moms

Do not judge the bereaved mother. 
She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying. 
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. 
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US, and you just might see THEM.

- Author Unknown - 

Cycle # 10

It's been 10 months. 10 Looooong months. I can't believe that much time has passed.

That's long enough to have carried a pregnancy to term. I didn't actually try the first cycle, so technically this is the 9th cycle of trying. *sigh* I just keep waiting. 

I was given a supply of opk's  (thank you Maria!) I have two left. I was hoping to be pregnant before I needed to buy any. I don't know how my husband would feel about that. I do have my Ovulation Scope (see here for a similar item). But I don't always remember to spit on it before I brush my teeth, and that could give me false readings. My sweet friends Maria and Jayme are hosting a giveaway for an OvaCue Fertility Monitor. Now, that would be a sweet win! 

It's actually a double win!

There will be two winners!!!!

If you read this and decide to enter the giveaway, put my email (toribeardatattdotnet) as your referral and then we could both win!

Go here to see how the OvaCue works.

This little baby will keep track of all your fertility information.

Did I say ALL? I mean ALL! How cool is that?

Here is the description from early-pregnancy-tests.com

The OvaCue Bundle - The Ultimate in Ovulation Prediction

The OvaCue Bundle contains the OvaCue Fertility Monitor (w/ Oral Sensor) and the Vaginal Sensor — it's the ultimate in ovulation prediction. Order the OvaCue Bundle and save $20 off the purchase price of the separate products!

The OvaCue is a saliva-based monitor that detects changes in the electrolyte levels in saliva. These levels shift as levels of the hormone estrogen rise and fall. Simply place the oral sensor on your tongue daily and the OvaCue will track and record your fertility for that day. It looks for trends in your electrolytes to mark the beginning of your fertile window — this is the selection of your dominant follicle. With 5-7 days advance notice of ovulation, you are able to identify the time when you are most likely to conceive. This FDA approved monitor is over 98% accurate in predicting ovulation. The OvaCue keeps track of your current cycle day and current fertility status and also stores up to 4 months of readings.

The Vaginal Sensor increases the accuracy of the OvaCue and is able to confirm that ovulation has occurred. When using the vaginal sensor the monitor is able cross-reference additional data points from the electrolyte level trends it observes in your cervical mucus. This will allow the monitor to detect when your estrogen levels are decreasing and your progesterone levels are increasing (indicating ovulation). It is extremely beneficial for women with irregular cycles to use the vaginal sensor. Irregular cycles are commonly caused by hormonal imbalances. For women with a hormonal imbalance, ovulation may occur before or after the predicted time frame the oral sensor provided. If you happen to ovulate earlier then the oral sensor predicted, the vaginal sensor will be able to notify you 1 or 2 days in advance and ovulation is actually occurring sooner. This is also the case if ovulation is occurring later than the oral reading had originally predicted. It will extend your 'fertile' window until the progesterone dominance has been detected.

You will also receive free, unlimited access to OvaGraph.com a full-featured fertility charting tool that allows you to store, graph, and print your OvaCue readings.

CD24 ,DPO 11/12

Just keep waiting, just keep waiting, just keep waiting!

Ugh! I hate the Two Week Wait.

I'm down to the final five days. Not counting today, of course.

My temps stay hovering in the 98.7 range.

I have had cramping at around the time of ovulation, along with spotting.

Since then I have had a couple more episodes of spotting.

We covered the week of ovulation.

My fingers are crossed, so are my legs, I keep having to pee!

This could be a good sign,

 or

 it could just be my age and the fact that I HAVE delivered 6 full-term babies!

I keep having phantom symptoms.

The cramping being the main offender.

Hoping that this could be a sign of a baby snuggling in for the next 9 months!

Clueless

I am totally lost. I have no idea what's going on. I heard that soy isoflavones could help with hormonal imbalance and work like clomid..hmmmm, kill two birds with one stone? So, I got some. I took them for five days..cd4-8. The week after my cycle ended I had spotting. Last Wednesday to be exact. Just for a few hours. There was menstrual like cramping as well. I felt it was too early for ovulation, so I didn't bother to test (opk). Then I did test (opk) for ovulation on Friday, bFp, and again on Saturday, again bFp. So...baby dancing commenced. There was then, some more spotting after. Grrrrr. Then today. There was spotting. (baby dancing was yesterday morning time). It took that long to register?!! I'm having cramps as well. I hate to hope. I'm scared to hope. Could it be? Could it be implantation? Could it just be the soy messing up my regular programming? Stay tuned for more of your favorite show...

The Chronicles of the Baby Obsessed Mama.

What to say when she loses her baby....

This is a post written by another blogger. It sums it all up perfectly! What to say and what NOT to say to the woman who has just lost her baby(ies).

http://lifeasaministerswife.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-to-say-when-she-loses-baby.html?spref=fb

Tag! I'm it!

She did it. She found me. Tag? OH YEAH. She done tagged me good! She's done laid me out! AF has hit me with a vengeance. She can be quite vindictive. So, needless to say, I'm out of hope for this cycle. I finally started, for real, yesterday/last night. I am having a really heavy cycle right now. I just wish it would get back to normal. That would be nice.

What the Heck?

Weird stuff going on here. My cycles have pretty much been the same for what seems like forever. I would start with a few days of spotting then have a couple of days of heavy bleeding, then a moderate day, then spotting and done. Four cycles ago it got weird. I just had brown icky, sticky spotting for the whole week. The next month it was normal. Then another brown, icky, sticky cycle. Now this one started of with a bang. Straight to bleeding and small clots. That was on Wednesday. Yesterday, B.I.S. again. Now today, spoting. What gives? Maybe it's my age. Maybe I'm heading in to the perimenopausal stage. 

No bueno.

Not happy.

:(

I'm a Guest-Blogger!!

I did a guest post over at my sweet friend, Maria's blog!

http://lifelossandotherthings.blogspot.com/2012/01/remembering-past-with-hope-for-future.html

She is doing a wonderful job on her blog of helping all of us Mama's who are dealing with m/c, infertility or secondary infertility. She herself has had recurrent m/c's. If you've noticed my "cards" on the side bar, she's the one that made those. Her wit and wisdom are amazing. If you are dealing with either a m/c, or recurrent m/c, or maybe have had trouble getting pregnant, check out her site! She has tons of info and is one of the most wonderful, kind and loving people you can ever meet!

BTW: she is doing a promotion for blog entries.

http://lifelossandotherthings.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-shall-pay-you-with-pee-sticks-or.html

Check her out. It's my favorite blog of all time!

A new kind of test!!!

I have never seen one like this before! It is called the Detect5 Progressive Pregnancy Test. It actually measures the amount of HCG in your urine! Go here for more info. My friend Maria is hosting a giveaway for one!

http://lifelossandotherthings.blogspot.com/2012/01/detect5-progressive-pregnancy-test.html