May 10th...A Day of Remembrance

This post is a couple of days late. I just couldn't do it Thursday. I really had a hard time of it. I'm pretty sure my husband and kids think I'm losing my mind. They of course, didn't remember the significance of the day. That is only internalized by me. I'm the only one who actually remembers the date. The day I lost my last baby. The baby who is buried under the tree by her brother, Matthew. Paislee. I'm the only one who knows her name. The only one who calls her by name.

When I delivered her last year, I delivered her at home. I saved the afterbirth, in case the doctor needed to see it for any reason. It stayed in the spare freezer for a year. I was always going to bury it. I couldn't bring myself to just flush it or throw it away. So, on the 1 year anniversary of Paislee's delivery, I buried it above her grave. It is finally over. The pain won't ever go away. But the whole burial process is finally over.

I spent the afternoon pulling the weeds that had invaded the flower bed around the memorial tree, There are no flowers to speak of yet. I need to pick out some flowers to plant. I planned on planting the birth month flowers (when they were all due), and maybe even planting flowers for my living children there as well. Instead of just reminding me of the children who have died to soon, it will be a place of my heart. My children, living and gone, are my heart. <3

How do you spend the anniversary of your lost one(s)?

Twilight....Zone

So yesterday I had some ewcm out of nowhere. I was 7 dpo. Why the ewcm? Then there was cramping involved. Temps were 98.0, three days running. Then this morning (dpo 8), more cramping. More painful. Temp...97.9....?! and THEN...more ewcm, but it was pink. What in the world?! Can I dare to hope that this is  implantation cramping and that the pink cm is actually implantation spotting?

Oh how I HATE the two week wait! Every cramp, twinge or otherwise strange symptom just pushes me further into the Twilight Zone of What-if's.....

Cycle #10..TWW

It's official. I am in the two week wait. 

Monday's opk (cd14)

Tuesday's opk (cd15)

I decided to try and temp this cycle. Here are my temps so far...

cd11: 97.9

cd12: 97.7

cd13: no temp

cd14: 97.5

cd15: 97.6

cd16: 97.9

cd17/dpo1: 98.3

As of cd 14, I had a very positive opk, and a nice fern effect on the ovulation scope. I wish I could get a picture of that. I tried but it's REALLY hard.

 

Here's what my scope looks like. 

I bought mine at Walmart 7 years ago for maybe $20. They no longer sell anything like this =(  Dumb if you ask me.

I can't find this exact one anywhere for sale, but there are several different brands, and they all do the same exact thing, magnify your dried spit.

 I think the Fertile Focus is definitely the prettiest one out there right now! 

Scopes are definitely my favorite ovulation predictors. Not too messy, and totally reusable! Go green! No chemicals involved!

LOVE it! Just wish mine was prettier, like the Fertile Focus :) If they would like to send me one to try, I would give them lots and lots of praise on my lil ole blog! And of course tell all my friends! Who would probably tell their friends....:)

 

Here are what the results will look like:

 Cd15 was an even better opk line, and the fern was perfect. My temps were slowly rising. I fully expected that they would start to rise significantly  this morning. They did! I hope they continue to rise a bit, and then stay at the higher temp. That would indicate a pregnancy!

I am not expecting a pregnancy. But,I am still hoping. My hopes have been dashed, month after month. But, I just can't give up the hope that it will happen. I'm hoping to win the Ovacue from LLAOTWM! If this cycle ends, and starts a new one, that could really come in handy! I'm also considering starting fertility herbs. Not sure where to start with that though, so I'm asking special friends to help me out on that front. 

Thanks Girls! You know who you are!! =)

Once again...Here's to hope and faith!

Poem for Loss Moms

Do not judge the bereaved mother. 
She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying. 
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. 
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US, and you just might see THEM.

- Author Unknown - 

CD24 ,DPO 11/12

Just keep waiting, just keep waiting, just keep waiting!

Ugh! I hate the Two Week Wait.

I'm down to the final five days. Not counting today, of course.

My temps stay hovering in the 98.7 range.

I have had cramping at around the time of ovulation, along with spotting.

Since then I have had a couple more episodes of spotting.

We covered the week of ovulation.

My fingers are crossed, so are my legs, I keep having to pee!

This could be a good sign,

 or

 it could just be my age and the fact that I HAVE delivered 6 full-term babies!

I keep having phantom symptoms.

The cramping being the main offender.

Hoping that this could be a sign of a baby snuggling in for the next 9 months!

What to say when she loses her baby....

This is a post written by another blogger. It sums it all up perfectly! What to say and what NOT to say to the woman who has just lost her baby(ies).

http://lifeasaministerswife.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-to-say-when-she-loses-baby.html?spref=fb

Tag! I'm it!

She did it. She found me. Tag? OH YEAH. She done tagged me good! She's done laid me out! AF has hit me with a vengeance. She can be quite vindictive. So, needless to say, I'm out of hope for this cycle. I finally started, for real, yesterday/last night. I am having a really heavy cycle right now. I just wish it would get back to normal. That would be nice.

Happy Holidays ya'll!

I hope everyone had a great holiday! We did. TOM came right on time. Dang it! Brought Auntie Flo, too. Grrrr! I was truly hoping that December would be the month. But, I guess I hope that EVERY month will be THE MONTH. So, had a nice Christmas with my Husband and the kids. Got to visit on Skype with our missionary son, who's serving in California. Today is my little guy's birthday. He just turned 5. (Last month my littlest turned 3.) And I'm looking forward to the new year. Hoping it will bring prosperity and maybe some progeny! lol

Shot Down....in a Blaze of Glory!!!

Well, that's exactly what it is. Another month. Another cycle. More hope, shot down. I truly hoped this would be the one. I was really hoping that I would be able to say," I am Thankful for the chance to be a Mama again!" at the Thanksgiving feast. No such luck. For one, Thanksgiving Day would have been pushing the early testing envelope a little bit. I like to buy the cheap-o tests at the dollar store, and those you can only use the day of your missed period. I hadn't actually missed it yet. My cycle was due to start yesterday. I fervently hoped it would not come. But, it did. Here it is, and it's here to stay. Dang it all!

I just e-mailed a TTC buddy and told her I thought the baby dust we've been gettin' must be defective.

 I want a refund.

Here's to a "wonderful" week.

Maybe next month will be the one!

Wish me some sticky baby dust!

Sheeeeee's Heeeeeeere....

Yay. Auntie Flow decided to come visit. Dang it all.

I had hoped! Of course I had. 

Interesting to note,I had used an online calculator to figure out my possible due date, and it gave me our EXACT anniversary date! How cool that would have been. Now we're on to a new cycle. I'm also on to a new month of the Health Program. 

CD1......and beyond!

DPO?

Well according to www.mymonthlycycles.com, I am on DPO 9/CD 24. I can officially test tomorrow. But, I won't. Why not, you ask? Well, because I don't know if I really ovulated on the 17th or not. I'm not using any form of ovulation prediction. Other than the oh so iffy calendar method (cycle-28 days, luteal phase-14 days) That probably isn't my cycle schedule, so It's probably safe to say that I didn't ovulate at the appointed time, and therefore I am probably not pregnant. I'm sure you may ask, well what about CM? Ummmm....EW! Gross! I never could bring myself to check for that. Just not my thing. Some swear by it. I just can't. So, no. I don't use that as a tool for prediction. Funny thing, I used to ALWAYS get mittleschmerz. Every month. No fail. But that was BEFORE reversal surgery. Now I get pains intermittently. I can't bank on them 'cause they aren't at the right times. Go figure. So, this month...just like the last 5 months/cycles, I will wait as patiently as possible for Auntie Flo to show up for her monthly (un-welcome) visit. If she decided to "vacation" somewhere else? Well, I'll be mighty okay with that!

The big -O

So, today's supposedly "The Big Day".

I'm supposed to ovulate today.

Do I believe it?

Hmmmmmm.....

no.

How could life be so perfect

 as to ovulate when the calendar says I will?

We all know that life IS.NOT. perfect.

If it was I would never have lost a baby in the first place. I would have had all my children two years apart and like little ducks in a row. 

I would never have had a tubal.

I would never have had to have a reversal.

But if I had,

I would have had it way sooner than I did.

I lost a lot of precious time.

Now, not only is time running out, it's actually working against me.

I could be pre-menopausal right now as I type.

I might not even be ovulating at all, or only every so often. Who knows.

Only God.

He knows everything.

I'm trying so hard to just let it be in His hands.

But as you know my friend,

that is hard stuff.

So, here's to ovulation.

Wish me sticky baby dust!

Ya' know, the super sticky kind?

just in case.....

Due Date

So, last Saturday was my due date. 

October 8, 2011

That was to be my baby girl's birthday.

*sigh*

Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?

This whole last month has been one giant, emotional suckfest for me.

My last two full term pregnancies ended three weeks before their due dates. Almost exactly.

So when ever I would need to look at my date book, which I avoided like the plague, I would see the countdown and now that I was at 1 month left, 3 weeks left etc. When I hit 3 weeks, I broke down. My poor husband didn't know what the heck was going on. I think it freaked him out a little. He really didn't know that I was still having such a hard time. He thought I was over it.

YEAH. RIGHT.

I really released a lot of emotion that day, so when 2 weeks came I was ok. Then 1 week came and I wobbled. Then The due date came up.

I felt like a pregnant woman waiting for those last days of pregnancy to be over. Counting the hours until her due date arrival, and hoping that it would also commence the arrival of her little bundle of babyness.

Except there would be no baby for me.

I wasn't even pregnant.

I sat there in church Sunday, staring at the speakers as intently as I could. Only making eye contact with my own family. Avoiding all glances over at the families with babies. Especially the ones with brand new babies or baby girls.

My baby girl was due the day before. I was a mess.

I smiled when I had to. I answered questions when asked. But I was really struggling.

Part of me felt like I was having split personality disorder. The part that was smiling and talking to everyone, family included, was just the facade. The real me, the mother inside was kicking and screaming at the world. Crying for her lost child. Could no-one see what I was really feeling?

Of course not.

There's this unwritten rule that people seem to go by...

when a woman (couple) loses a child,

friends and family are there consoling them for a while.

maybe for up to about a month they will still ask "How are you doing?"

But then after the four week mark, it's as if it happened so long ago that you're supposed to have moved on, forgotten all about it. They have.

But, if you're here reading this because you yourself have had a miscarriage, YOU know that this is not always the case. Some mothers (couples) do move on to the next month without pause. I'm not one of those. I carry my babies in my heart and my thoughts, ALWAYS. If you are like that, too, then my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain, your sadness, your emptiness, the depression, the anger and the fear.

The fear that it will happen again. The fear that maybe you will never get pregnant again. I feel your heart.

My cycle has just ended. Finally. Now it's on to guessing when I will ovulate.

You may ask why, why would I have to guess? Why not temp, chart, kit, spit?

Well, my Honey decided that we should do it the old fashioned way and just wait for it to happen. I think we need to have a talk about that. I'm 41. To some, you may have just choked on you beverage of choice.  41!! Is she crazy? Yes, go ahead, make all your assumptions and comments. Think what you will. I give myself until my 43rd birthday to have kids. If I'm not pregnant at that time, I will surrender any notions of trying. I will give up. I will quit. I will finish raising the kids I have (which I'm doing as you read this) and try to be content with not having anymore. I pray that between now and then, Heavenly Father will heal my heart, and give me the peace I desire with that decision.

Call me crazy, go ahead!

I've been called worse.

So, I have waited these last 5 months...every month to fall pregnant. Every month we miss the opportune time. Every month I get my period. Every month I get depressed.

You may be asking if I think that being pregnant and having another baby would make my life perfect. If i hinge my ultimate happiness on that. You may ask, why is she complaining when she already has kids. You may think I'm a super cow for even complaining at all. 

Go ahead, call me a cow. I can take it. I'm a big girl.

No. I don't think my ultimate happiness hinges on having a successful pregnancy and results in a baby.

No. LOL My life would NOT be perfect! Who's is?

I'm not trying to complain that I don't have all the kids I ever dreamed of as a little girl (I only ever dreamed of having 3 or 4), that I HAVE to have more! Gimme, gimme.

I only dream of filling the void that was left in my heart each time I lost a baby. I have 4 amazing kids at home and two grown and moved on. I even have 3 granbabies (they live 2000 miles away, so I can't spoil them as I'd like to!) But my heart has been ripped open and has been bleeding ever since the first loss. I want that pain to stop. I want the visions of my babies, in my hand and not my arms, to stop. 

I only ask God for one more chance to hold a baby in my arms. Just one, not three. One would be enough to fill the holes of the three. Even more so if it were a girl. I know that may sound biased to some. I have five boys already. I have dreamed of having another little girl for many years. Mama's want their daughters, Daddy's want their sons. It's just a given. But, that doesn't mean that if I had another boy I wouldn't be ecstatic! I would be! I know how to do the whole boy thing! I got that down! It's just that I have dreamed for so long to have another daughter, and I was having one, and she died. Before I ever got to know her. Before I got to know if she liked dolls or trucks. Pink or green or orange. Ribbons and frilly things, or jeans and sneakers. Horses or baseball. Books or video games.

I never got to hear her voice..or hear her cry.

I never got to hear her call me Mama.

Can you really blame me?

I held this child in my womb, then in my hand,

Now in my heart.

Not Late.

I am officially
 NOT.LATE.
 Crap.

For approximately 56 hours or so, 

who's counting?!

I had hope.

All hope is now gone.

Gone like the wind.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

Now I am back to waiting. 

I.HATE.WAITING.

The only bright side....

is that I can try to lost those nasty 40 lbs that have been hanging on to my backside. 

Here's to the next month being an awesome cause for celebration and thanksgiving.

I guess I do still have hope.

Late???

I am officially three days late.

 Even my calender is telling me I'm potentially late.

 OH. GREAT. 

Now what.

Oh wait! I think that might be a spot.....