May 10th...A Day of Remembrance

This post is a couple of days late. I just couldn't do it Thursday. I really had a hard time of it. I'm pretty sure my husband and kids think I'm losing my mind. They of course, didn't remember the significance of the day. That is only internalized by me. I'm the only one who actually remembers the date. The day I lost my last baby. The baby who is buried under the tree by her brother, Matthew. Paislee. I'm the only one who knows her name. The only one who calls her by name.

When I delivered her last year, I delivered her at home. I saved the afterbirth, in case the doctor needed to see it for any reason. It stayed in the spare freezer for a year. I was always going to bury it. I couldn't bring myself to just flush it or throw it away. So, on the 1 year anniversary of Paislee's delivery, I buried it above her grave. It is finally over. The pain won't ever go away. But the whole burial process is finally over.

I spent the afternoon pulling the weeds that had invaded the flower bed around the memorial tree, There are no flowers to speak of yet. I need to pick out some flowers to plant. I planned on planting the birth month flowers (when they were all due), and maybe even planting flowers for my living children there as well. Instead of just reminding me of the children who have died to soon, it will be a place of my heart. My children, living and gone, are my heart. <3

How do you spend the anniversary of your lost one(s)?

It's ME time...

I decided that if my months are just going to keep running together, without a pregnancy to change things up...I might as well get back to making some health changes. I did this program once before. I lost 35 pounds. Then I got pregnant, gained 15 pounds, lost the baby, gained 20 more (depression) pounds..and, well, you get it. I feel miserable. I can't breathe. My feet are killing me. My clothes don't fit. I'm tired of not being able to shop for cute clothes. I'm not looking forward to several months of hot weather at this weight. I've had enough. I have to do it this time. I have to lose it all. I am currently at 173 pounds (we ate out twice yesterday!). My goal is to lose 50 pounds this time. If you would like to join me on my quest for better health go to this site:
http://tnpowerloser.com/

Wish me luck! 
or better yet, wish that I can have some serious will power!!
 My kids like junk food! They get it from me!