Cycle 13 and The Crossroads

Well, cycle 13 seems to be here. I really thought I was pregnant. I had severe breast tenderness, sudden overwhelming nausea, my temps were up....I was going to get a pregnancy test Friday (15th), but on Wednesday, I started spotting. Forget the test. I figured it could, maybe, might be implantation. But then there were some clots. Yuck, I know. TMI. But, I figured I was out for the cycle at that point. AF has been teasing me for days with her impending appearance. I spot, then I don't. What gives? I'm guessing it may be the beginnings of menopause. Crap. I am SO not ready for that! I hate having to wear pads, when there's really nothing going on, but, if I don't wear one then AF would blast me for sure and it wouldn't be pretty. Thank goodness I'm a stay-at-home Mama. I can remedy those problems without too much ado. But, still. What woman wants to get caught without her under armor on? Not, I, Popeye!

So, I have come to a crossroads. My husband will be thrilled. If, I tell him. I may not. Just because I might change my mind. Maybe. I have decided to get rid of 90% of the baby stuff. I have two cribs out in the shop. Two porta-cribs, a high chair, exersaucer, swing, infant seat, car seat, bouncy seat, various baby toys, tons of clothes, three ginormous boxes of Pampers diapers from the baby shower (he's three and potty trained now), and I'm sure there's more, but I just can't think of it off the top of my head. But, it goes to say, I have a lot of stuff out there, and it's taking up precious real estate. I'm debating on having a yard sale (ugh. i hate doing yard sales.), or consigning it. Not sure which way I want to go. The nearby Jack & Jill consignment isn't for a couple of months...I'll have to think about it. In the mean time, I'll be going through all of it and setting it aside.

Side note..my very best friend laughed at me when I told her I had come to this decision...as I'm sure those of you who are reading this have already thought it...She said, and I quote.."If you get rid of it all, then you'll just have to buy it again. You know that's how it works. You get rid of it, and then you get pregnant."

Murphy, I like that law.

May 10th...A Day of Remembrance

This post is a couple of days late. I just couldn't do it Thursday. I really had a hard time of it. I'm pretty sure my husband and kids think I'm losing my mind. They of course, didn't remember the significance of the day. That is only internalized by me. I'm the only one who actually remembers the date. The day I lost my last baby. The baby who is buried under the tree by her brother, Matthew. Paislee. I'm the only one who knows her name. The only one who calls her by name.

When I delivered her last year, I delivered her at home. I saved the afterbirth, in case the doctor needed to see it for any reason. It stayed in the spare freezer for a year. I was always going to bury it. I couldn't bring myself to just flush it or throw it away. So, on the 1 year anniversary of Paislee's delivery, I buried it above her grave. It is finally over. The pain won't ever go away. But the whole burial process is finally over.

I spent the afternoon pulling the weeds that had invaded the flower bed around the memorial tree, There are no flowers to speak of yet. I need to pick out some flowers to plant. I planned on planting the birth month flowers (when they were all due), and maybe even planting flowers for my living children there as well. Instead of just reminding me of the children who have died to soon, it will be a place of my heart. My children, living and gone, are my heart. <3

How do you spend the anniversary of your lost one(s)?

It's ME time...

I decided that if my months are just going to keep running together, without a pregnancy to change things up...I might as well get back to making some health changes. I did this program once before. I lost 35 pounds. Then I got pregnant, gained 15 pounds, lost the baby, gained 20 more (depression) pounds..and, well, you get it. I feel miserable. I can't breathe. My feet are killing me. My clothes don't fit. I'm tired of not being able to shop for cute clothes. I'm not looking forward to several months of hot weather at this weight. I've had enough. I have to do it this time. I have to lose it all. I am currently at 173 pounds (we ate out twice yesterday!). My goal is to lose 50 pounds this time. If you would like to join me on my quest for better health go to this site:
http://tnpowerloser.com/

Wish me luck! 
or better yet, wish that I can have some serious will power!!
 My kids like junk food! They get it from me!

April 26th, 2011

April 26th.

Forever burned into my brain.

The day I found out my baby had died.

Another loss.

Three in a row.

Why?

I will never know.

I had been in four weeks prior.

I had heard the heartbeat.

But, I had known.

Something was wrong.

I just knew it.

My son had driven me to the Dr.s appointment.

I knew. I knew it was going to end bad.

I checked in and waited to go back.

The nurse came and got me. She sent me straight in for a urine sample.

While I was in there I got the first sign of the impending nightmare.

Pink spotting.

I went back to the nurse's station and she took all my stats. I didn't mention the spotting. 

I didn't want to acknowledge it. 

Then I was ushered back to the exam room.

The Dr. came in with a smile.

I tried to smile, but I was fighting the tears. 

I was scared to death.

He chatted for a few minutes about my symptoms.

I never mentioned the spotting.

Then he got out the doppler.

The nightmare became real.

He couldn't find the heartbeat.

I was sent to another office in the building for an ultrasound. 

The receptionist at my Dr.s office walked me down to the other office. 

Not standard procedure.

But I was an emotional train wreck at this point. 

I tried so hard to hold it together when we checked in in the ultrasound office.

But I was failing miserably.

I was reminded of a time I sat in the waiting room at my Maternal Fetal Group's office.

A mother came out the hall door, into the waiting room in tears.

Not just the silent kind, that just roll down your cheeks, 

but, the kind that are accompanied by sobs.

The poor woman then had to stand there in the room and wait for the elevator to arrive.

Every other mother had to try and hide their evident panic for this woman, 

and their selves.

If it could happen to her, it could happen to us.

I will forever wonder if everything turned out okay for her and her unborn child.

  

My nurse checked me in, and the ushered me into the back immediately.

I went into a darkened room, and the technician started the ultrasound.

No heartbeat.

I could see the baby.

Perfect fetal position.

But, no heartbeat.

My baby had died. 

My baby had died at 12 weeks.

The same week we heard the heartbeat.

Four weeks ago, my baby had died.

I went back down to the Dr.s office.

We sat in his office and he went over the next steps with me.

He knew from my previous m/c that I would probably want to have it at home.

I did.

He let me know that if I needed anything to call the office.

thanks

Gave me all the prerequisite warnings.

I could hemorrhage, etc.

okay

I left the office and went out to the parking lot where my son was waiting in the car.

(19 and not interested in sitting in a room with a bunch of pregnant women)

I called my husband and told him the news.

Here we go again.

I finally passed the baby 14 days later. 

My baby had already been gone for 6 weeks.

It didn't make it any easier to have this knowledge.

It didn't make it any easier to bury my baby in a makeshift casket.

Under the tree.

Next to her brother.

It never gets any easier.

Loss sucks.

Sucked into the Black Hole

The Twilight Zone episode has ended.

I have now been sucked into the big, black hole of depression.

Not the kind where you crawl under the covers, and stay there.

Not the kind where you unplug the phone, and lock your doors.

Not the kind you need to take meds for.

Just the kind that nags at you, and keeps you just slightly sad, at all times.

AF has finally decided to stay for the monthly visit. Ugh. 

All I can say about that is that I hope it's a short stay, like last month. 

Three days.

But, this cycle has started early. Not super early, but early by two days.

It's these little inconsistencies that worry me.

Am I beginning to head into menopause?

oy.

SOOOO not ready for that. 

Not unless there is one more successful pregnancy.

Then, bring.it.on.

But, for now, I hope and pray every month, that this will be the month.

Twilight....Zone

So yesterday I had some ewcm out of nowhere. I was 7 dpo. Why the ewcm? Then there was cramping involved. Temps were 98.0, three days running. Then this morning (dpo 8), more cramping. More painful. Temp...97.9....?! and THEN...more ewcm, but it was pink. What in the world?! Can I dare to hope that this is  implantation cramping and that the pink cm is actually implantation spotting?

Oh how I HATE the two week wait! Every cramp, twinge or otherwise strange symptom just pushes me further into the Twilight Zone of What-if's.....

Trying to WIN again!!

Another OvaCue giveaway!!

My sweet friend Jenn is having a giveaway on her awesome blog!

Check it out here!

If you've never heard of OvaCue..check out Jenn's site and read up on it. It's gotta be the most awesome device they have come up with yet for those TTC! It tracks everything! 

I can't afford to buy one at this time, and probably never will be able to. So, I will enter every giveaway I can to try and win one!! If you are in the same boat, go see Jenn and enter to win one for yourself!