Cycle 20 over and out....

yep. my cycle started two days after my last post. ok i count it as three since i started at 9:30 at night. i just count start day being the next day, the 11th. it wasn't too bad as periods CAN go. but i was just hoping against hope that it wouldn't happen. i figured that if i was pregnant then the baby would be roughly a month old before we made the trip to california. if we even make that trip. still planning on it. gonna be rough to make that happen. anyhoo....i supposedly o'd last thursday. not sure if i did or not. that's just by going with the website calculator. it's been pretty accurate with my other methods added. i lost my ovulation scope (aka spit tester). bummer. and my test strips sat in a frozen bathroom. not sure if they'd be any count anymore. double bummer. so...all i can say is that the supposed week of o was covered every other day before and after. wish me luck! =)

Cycle 20...?

I'm guessing my age is changing my cycles. I used to spot the day before, then I'd have my period for five days and be done. Now I never know what the blast is coming at me! I have had as much as a week and a half of spotting, to none. I have had 2-3 days of bleeding to as many as 5. I used to have ONE day of heavy bleeding, now it can be up to 3-4. I just NEVER know what it's going to be.

My theory......pre-menopausal.

That sucks.

Only because I want to get pregnant. If I hadn't lost the last three pregnancies, or at least the last one...I would be saying BRING IT ON! Let's get this show on the road! Git 'Er Done! End this crap!

But, I still feel the intense need to have a baby. I know that sounds crazy. Some who might read this will think I have lost my mind. That I'm being completely selfish. But I say to those people...Bite Me! You haven't walked my path! You haven't tried on my shoes! You didn't hold my babies in your hand. Yes, hand. They were so small they could be held in ONE hand. The palm of ONE hand. You didn't bury those babies. You didn't plant flowers under the tree where they are buried. You have no idea what I have gone through emotionally, mentally, or physically. So pipe down. Thank you.

So, not sure if this is cycle 20 yet or not. Don't know what friggin day I'm on. Don't know if I should take the soy or not....just don't know.

So today, I start the garage clean out. All the baby stuff that I'm NOT keeping is headed to consignment. I am motivated. I have my son and his family moving here in 3.5 weeks. Ohboy. I have so much to do!!! I have to clean out the one house as well as the garage to put the stuff from the house. OY. Wish I wasn't such a pack rat right now. Our weather is in the high 60's today, pushing 70 (!), so I HAVE to get on it! The only problem is that it's raining! Grrrrrrr!

So, after all my babbling, I guess I'm just whining about whether or not my period has started or not.

New Year...New Hope?

So...Happy New Year! Let's hope it truly is!
Just last week my Honey made a profound comment to me.
He felt that his testosterone levels were down, and "that's probably why you're not getting pregnant"
SAY WHAT??!! I never once thought that the lack of pregnancy had anything to do with him. I figured it was my pre-menopausal self, and poor timing. Trying to catch the ever elusive egg!
So without any real discussion about pregnancy...we headed to GNC and he got some stuff for boosting his testosterone. Me? Oh I snuck in a couple bottles of Soy and Evening Primrose. If I knew he was fully on board with trying and not just happenstance, I would have opted for the Fertility Blends! So, I started the EP and will start the Soy next week. I have also been taking Maca daily. I did notice the last time I tried it (and gave up too early) that it seemed to seriously increase my libido. Just sayin!

It has officially been 19 cycles. I'm heading into the 20th next week. I'm praying that this new year (my official last) will bring one last baby. Full term Thank You! A girl would be nice, but I'll take a boy any day!

We're temporarily moved out of our main house into the mobile home. We're going to finish moving 15 years worth of crap out of there, then start on the major renovations! I CAN'T WAIT!!!! During this time our oldest son will be moving out here and staying with us, helping in the reno. Then when things are settled his wife and kids will be moving here as well. Did I mention that I can't wait!!!????

So, in order to move all of the crap out of the house, we also have to go through all of the crap in the garage! UGH!!! I am sorely hating this idea. I'm a pack rat. I save everything, mostly due to procrastination. I'll get to that later...put it in a box....move it out to the garage for now, I'll go through it later....Well guess what my friends! Later has just come callin! A bunch of what's out there is baby stuff. Which I will be sorting through ruthlessly! My son and his wife don't need any of it (I asked), so I will be selling it either in consignment or yard sale. Honey wants SOME of the money back for it all! Can't say I blame him...Then there's all the craft crap.....boxes and boxes of it! Of course there's plenty of holiday stuff....books..If you know me this will make you smile. How could I NOT have boxes and boxes of books?! Besides all THAT, there are plenty of boxes of clothes, toys and miscellaneous (we won't discuss the misc.!) So, needless to say..I have my work cut out for me, and the older kids as well. Hey! Some of all that crap-ola is theirs!!!

So during this mega clean sweep...I will either be having my period.....or not.
If not...then I don't know how much I will be willing to exert myself. I might just plant myself in the soon to be junked recliner and have the kids bring boxes to me.....

Did I mention that it in the low 30's and the garage is detached without heat? Fun times my friends..fun times!

Hope ya'll had a great New Year's and here's to a great one!!

Cycle 13 and The Crossroads

Well, cycle 13 seems to be here. I really thought I was pregnant. I had severe breast tenderness, sudden overwhelming nausea, my temps were up....I was going to get a pregnancy test Friday (15th), but on Wednesday, I started spotting. Forget the test. I figured it could, maybe, might be implantation. But then there were some clots. Yuck, I know. TMI. But, I figured I was out for the cycle at that point. AF has been teasing me for days with her impending appearance. I spot, then I don't. What gives? I'm guessing it may be the beginnings of menopause. Crap. I am SO not ready for that! I hate having to wear pads, when there's really nothing going on, but, if I don't wear one then AF would blast me for sure and it wouldn't be pretty. Thank goodness I'm a stay-at-home Mama. I can remedy those problems without too much ado. But, still. What woman wants to get caught without her under armor on? Not, I, Popeye!

So, I have come to a crossroads. My husband will be thrilled. If, I tell him. I may not. Just because I might change my mind. Maybe. I have decided to get rid of 90% of the baby stuff. I have two cribs out in the shop. Two porta-cribs, a high chair, exersaucer, swing, infant seat, car seat, bouncy seat, various baby toys, tons of clothes, three ginormous boxes of Pampers diapers from the baby shower (he's three and potty trained now), and I'm sure there's more, but I just can't think of it off the top of my head. But, it goes to say, I have a lot of stuff out there, and it's taking up precious real estate. I'm debating on having a yard sale (ugh. i hate doing yard sales.), or consigning it. Not sure which way I want to go. The nearby Jack & Jill consignment isn't for a couple of months...I'll have to think about it. In the mean time, I'll be going through all of it and setting it aside.

Side note..my very best friend laughed at me when I told her I had come to this decision...as I'm sure those of you who are reading this have already thought it...She said, and I quote.."If you get rid of it all, then you'll just have to buy it again. You know that's how it works. You get rid of it, and then you get pregnant."

Murphy, I like that law.

May 10th...A Day of Remembrance

This post is a couple of days late. I just couldn't do it Thursday. I really had a hard time of it. I'm pretty sure my husband and kids think I'm losing my mind. They of course, didn't remember the significance of the day. That is only internalized by me. I'm the only one who actually remembers the date. The day I lost my last baby. The baby who is buried under the tree by her brother, Matthew. Paislee. I'm the only one who knows her name. The only one who calls her by name.

When I delivered her last year, I delivered her at home. I saved the afterbirth, in case the doctor needed to see it for any reason. It stayed in the spare freezer for a year. I was always going to bury it. I couldn't bring myself to just flush it or throw it away. So, on the 1 year anniversary of Paislee's delivery, I buried it above her grave. It is finally over. The pain won't ever go away. But the whole burial process is finally over.

I spent the afternoon pulling the weeds that had invaded the flower bed around the memorial tree, There are no flowers to speak of yet. I need to pick out some flowers to plant. I planned on planting the birth month flowers (when they were all due), and maybe even planting flowers for my living children there as well. Instead of just reminding me of the children who have died to soon, it will be a place of my heart. My children, living and gone, are my heart. <3

How do you spend the anniversary of your lost one(s)?

It's ME time...

I decided that if my months are just going to keep running together, without a pregnancy to change things up...I might as well get back to making some health changes. I did this program once before. I lost 35 pounds. Then I got pregnant, gained 15 pounds, lost the baby, gained 20 more (depression) pounds..and, well, you get it. I feel miserable. I can't breathe. My feet are killing me. My clothes don't fit. I'm tired of not being able to shop for cute clothes. I'm not looking forward to several months of hot weather at this weight. I've had enough. I have to do it this time. I have to lose it all. I am currently at 173 pounds (we ate out twice yesterday!). My goal is to lose 50 pounds this time. If you would like to join me on my quest for better health go to this site:
http://tnpowerloser.com/

Wish me luck! 
or better yet, wish that I can have some serious will power!!
 My kids like junk food! They get it from me!

April 26th, 2011

April 26th.

Forever burned into my brain.

The day I found out my baby had died.

Another loss.

Three in a row.

Why?

I will never know.

I had been in four weeks prior.

I had heard the heartbeat.

But, I had known.

Something was wrong.

I just knew it.

My son had driven me to the Dr.s appointment.

I knew. I knew it was going to end bad.

I checked in and waited to go back.

The nurse came and got me. She sent me straight in for a urine sample.

While I was in there I got the first sign of the impending nightmare.

Pink spotting.

I went back to the nurse's station and she took all my stats. I didn't mention the spotting. 

I didn't want to acknowledge it. 

Then I was ushered back to the exam room.

The Dr. came in with a smile.

I tried to smile, but I was fighting the tears. 

I was scared to death.

He chatted for a few minutes about my symptoms.

I never mentioned the spotting.

Then he got out the doppler.

The nightmare became real.

He couldn't find the heartbeat.

I was sent to another office in the building for an ultrasound. 

The receptionist at my Dr.s office walked me down to the other office. 

Not standard procedure.

But I was an emotional train wreck at this point. 

I tried so hard to hold it together when we checked in in the ultrasound office.

But I was failing miserably.

I was reminded of a time I sat in the waiting room at my Maternal Fetal Group's office.

A mother came out the hall door, into the waiting room in tears.

Not just the silent kind, that just roll down your cheeks, 

but, the kind that are accompanied by sobs.

The poor woman then had to stand there in the room and wait for the elevator to arrive.

Every other mother had to try and hide their evident panic for this woman, 

and their selves.

If it could happen to her, it could happen to us.

I will forever wonder if everything turned out okay for her and her unborn child.

  

My nurse checked me in, and the ushered me into the back immediately.

I went into a darkened room, and the technician started the ultrasound.

No heartbeat.

I could see the baby.

Perfect fetal position.

But, no heartbeat.

My baby had died. 

My baby had died at 12 weeks.

The same week we heard the heartbeat.

Four weeks ago, my baby had died.

I went back down to the Dr.s office.

We sat in his office and he went over the next steps with me.

He knew from my previous m/c that I would probably want to have it at home.

I did.

He let me know that if I needed anything to call the office.

thanks

Gave me all the prerequisite warnings.

I could hemorrhage, etc.

okay

I left the office and went out to the parking lot where my son was waiting in the car.

(19 and not interested in sitting in a room with a bunch of pregnant women)

I called my husband and told him the news.

Here we go again.

I finally passed the baby 14 days later. 

My baby had already been gone for 6 weeks.

It didn't make it any easier to have this knowledge.

It didn't make it any easier to bury my baby in a makeshift casket.

Under the tree.

Next to her brother.

It never gets any easier.

Loss sucks.